im going back to multiply.. i find peace here.. than .. u know hehe
since people are too busy FBing.. ill be busy MULTIPLYing.. hehehehe
the past months.. life becomes so complicated for me.. many times i don't understand things anymore.. not the life i have before.. i don't know if ill be happy or what.. before these things happen.. my life is at peace... calm... so spontaneous.. so joyful.. so fun... free indeed... thats the time im growing in GOD's love.. the time where I am strengthening my foundation.. and nurishing and purifying myself with GOD's love... feeding my mind more of HIS words... things like that.. I was also aware then that I am full of peace and happy.. didn't expect that when one gets matured.. one has to be used.. one has to be called.. one gets to be attacked... sounds Crazy huh? o yeah..im in this crazy spiritual secular world right now...its like walking in 2 worlds... while you keep walking and following the spiritual call.. your secular body suffers alot... the past weeks i just wish that nobody sees me... only to people who i trust... the past days.. i hate being asked how iam.. because i no longer know how to answer that question.. i just wish not to talk to anyone.. i just want to talk to people who i want to talk to... i wish ..yeah because i know what i want is impossible.. really its hard to be called and to follow obey and understand things you dont understand.. hard.. how i wish GOD would just show up and explain to everyone what HE has called me... so that it wont be hard for me.. but that's where faith and trust comes... then my oh so...being practice book.. the book of JAMES...
consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perserverance. perserverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. if anyone lacks wisdom, he should ask GOD,who gives generously without finding fault, and it will be given to him. but when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubt is like the wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. that man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord, he is a double minded man, unstable in all he does. James 1:2-8
yes!! yes!! yes!! im trying to be in joy in rejoice while in this trial.. the trial is really hard..im crying in pain while trying to give thanks and rejoice.. and really what the Bible says is so true.. you have to persevere.. to mature more in faith.. i always ask GOD for wisdom, HE do give.. HE answer.. awesome indeed.. but the problem is.. at first im stable..happy.. at go go go mode.. but then along the way im being tossed by the wind.. im in doubt because the wisdom that i had was so different from what iam hearing and seeing in this secular world.. im always shaken..im always being attacked by satan.. he is clever.. that i can say.. but with that.. i pray hard.. all the scripture im reading enters my mind.. Bible words to the rescue.. thank GOD.
i also did needed tha book of Proverbs, Eccleciates, Job, Jeremiah and Psalms..
walking by faith.. sometimes sound stupid for other people.. even with some spiritual people. they don't understand my call.. because they always use their practical worldly mind their logical point of view to view my call or my situation... so i hate to talk to people who cant understand because its pointless. i wont get help but instead advices ill later regret.. because these are not from my faith. but even like this.. i understand them.. they care so they want what they thought good for me..or right. but the thing is its not their call.. its my call. how hard it is to be called.
why iam suffering now? its all my fault.. why? because i first ignore my call.. because then i dont understand.. plus this person.. he dont know what he is doing.. he never pointed out his true intention.. he is making me think crazy then.. and now i become really crazy. but i was also in fear... satan is using my fear then to not make this fulfilled... i was living in fear then.. i was so fearful.. and i know thats my sin .. so now im punished.. tsk tsk tsk
i have overcome my fear.. and i fought.. i ran the race... but still now i havent finished the will.. so im dead to GOD.. once HE got mad at me when i told HIM i dont want this anymore i want this stop.. HE granted but guess what.. HE made me suffer.. HE made me feel pain... til i asked for forgiveness and promised HIM that i will finish this whatever it takes. and proving HIM that Iam enduring the pains.. now, HE is still at lead in my life.. leads my every step.. HE just taught me to pray super duper often as possible.. to pray for even super small things possible... in everything i learned to pray.. because without HIS leading HIS wisdom.. im lost then i suffer...so now i know the value and power of prayer... even in sound small things..i could be big.
now GOD is teaching me to surrender it all to HIM that my power is not enough that when I fight i should learn how to trust HIM and surrender everything to HIM and HE will fight for me. that in everything .. it is not my ways.. it is always HIS ways.. hmm sound easy .. surrender all to HIM.. no, its not.. recently i always pray to HIM to help me know how to surrender it all to HIM.. because it aint easy.. really. HARD. a small grip is still a grip.
Time.. we can never plan anything in our time.. it is always HIS time.. so always be prepared.. because when HIS time comes.. you wouldn't want to missed it.. because HE might again got mad and again i might suffer... pls.. no to suffering anymore.. too much pain.. i have enough... huhuhu all i want is to follow and obey. to much disciplining GOD.. but still you always know what is enough.
Wait for the Lord, another lesson. o my my my.. what ah... yes really indeed wait is one of the hardest thing to do.. its easy to leave than to wait.. imagine waiting for someone in your house for 2 hours.. imagine that... what more waiting for HIS time for more than a year already.. to be almost exact 1 year and 6 months already... its a long wait.. all GOD is telling me WAIT.. WAIT.. WAIT... i always follow... many times i want to give up.. but GOD is drawing me back over and over again.. you know the feeling to be drag back.. thats what iam feeling.. im always drag back... as ive said its easier to leave... so happy to leave then drag back to suffer... imagine that!!! so the past weeks im not totally leaving what iam usually doing.. but now giving up is what iam into.. everytime iam to give up.. GOD gives reason not to.. amazing how HE works.. so beautiful... you will know that HE is really in control.. great!! the past weeks i always feel sophocated with the situation.. its like dying alive.. hard.. im still alive but feels like dying everyday.. i sometimes ask GOD.. can I just be with YOU.. because im in pain here.. yuhu... my Daddy GOD.. knock knock! hehe
in this trial i saw the enemy uses people who are also believers, but in weak state of faith, to attack, used them not to fulfill GOD's willed.. u know why? because the enemy knows... he knows who are his enemy.. he knows who gets strenghthen when the willed took place... he knows.. that is why.. he is focused working too.. working for this not to be fulfilled... but again thank GOD.. because when HE allowed the enemy, HE put me in trial.. not to simply make me just suffer... but to strengthen my faith.. because HE knows my capabilities and extends... great GOD.. worthy of praise.. yahoo!!
That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:10
now my prayer is like this.. GOD im so helpless... nobody can help me but YOU, YOU are in this from the beginning... You worked , i saw and felt YOU working... YOU are so powerful, YOU move hearts, please work GOD, YOU are greater than this world. YOU know my fights, YOU know where iam now, YOU know im weary, wounded and weak. please help fulfilling YOUR will, since its YOUR plan.. may thy will be done... in YOUR ways oh Lord. Please hear YOUR servants cry for mercy. YOU know my heart, YOU know how i want to finished this.. In YOU i trust. I love YOU, GOD.
this is what i call spiritual fight... i thank GOD because im real HIS... and i know where i really belong... ^_^
here in my trials, i have applied all the pains i been through my life.. my love life.. now i understand why did they all happen... its for today.. for HIS glory.. ^_^
"true love never leaves true love, for true love waits for true love." - mj lee
"true love is from GOD, and the real true love will only comes from GOD our true love." - mj lee
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UMhbD1yl4rs
No comments:
Post a Comment