A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself and doesn't feel even the least Pepsi drawer' with her foot! bit weird shutting your 'beer.
A simple friend has never seen you cry.
A real friend shoulder is soggy from your tears..
A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first
names.
A real friend has their phone numbers
in his address book.
A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your
party.
A real friend comes early to help you cook and
stays late to help you clean.
A simple friend hates it when you call after they've gone to bed.
A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.
A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems.
A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.
A simple friend wonders about your romantic history.
A real friend could blackmail you with it!
A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument.
A real friend calls you after you had a fight.
A simple friend expects you to always be there for them.
A real friend expects to always be there for you!
When you are down to nothing ...
God is up to something.
'Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who just likes your smile'
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Monday, August 11, 2008
Fair Fight Guidelines
Fair Fight Guidelines
· Remember the point of the fight is to reach a solution, not to win, be right, or make your partner wrong.
· Don't try to mind read. Ask instead what he or she is thinking.
· Don't bring up all the prior problems that relate to this one. Leave the past in the past; keep this about one recent problem. Solve one thing at a time.
· Keep the process simple. State the problem, suggest some alternatives, and choose a solution together.
· Don't talk too much at once. Keep your statements to two or three sentences. Your partner will not be able to grasp more than that.
· Give your partner a chance to respond and to suggest options.
· Practice equality. If something is important enough to one of you, it will inevitably be important to both of you, so honor your partner's need to solve a problem.
· Ask and Answer questions directly. Again, keep it as simple as possible. Let your partner know you hear him or her.
· State your problem as a request, not a demand. To make it a positive request, use "I messages" and "please".
· Don't use power struggle tactics: guilt and obligation, threats and emotional blackmail, courtroom logic: peacekeeping, sacrificing, or hammering away are off limits.
· Know your facts: If you're going to fight for something, know the facts about the problem: Do research, find out what options are available, and know how you feel and what would solve the problem for you.
· Ask for changes in behavior, don't criticize character, ethics or morals.
· Don't fight over who's right or wrong. Opinions are opinions, and that won't solve the problem. Instead, focus on what will work.
· Ask your partner if he or she has anything to add to the discussion. "Is there anything else we need to discuss now?"
· Don't guess what your partner is thinking or feeling. Instead, ask. "What do you think?" Or "How do you feel about it?
· Hold hands, look at each other, and remember you're partners.
· If you're angry, express it calmly. "I'm angry about ..." There's no need for drama, and it won't get you what you want. Anger is satisfied by being acknowledged, and by creating change. Anger is a normal emotion -- rage is phony, it's drama created by not taking care of yourself.
· Acknowledged and honor your partner's feelings -- don't deflect them, laugh at them or freak out. They're only feelings, and they subside when respected, heard and honored.
· Listen with your whole self. Paraphrase what your partner says; check to see if you understand by repeating what is said. "So you are angry because you think I ignored you. Is that right?"
· No personal attacks or criticism. Focus on solving the problem.
· If you want to let off steam (vent), ask permission or take a time out. Handle your excess emotion or energy by being active (run, walk, hit a pillow,) writing, or talking to someone who is not part of the problem. Don't direct it personally at anyone. You can't vent and solve problems at the same time.
· Don't try to solve a problem if you're impaired: tired, hungry, drunk or unstable.
· Surrender to your responsibility. When you become aware that you have made a mistake, admit it, and apologize. Use it as an opportunity to learn and grow.
· Remember the point of the fight is to reach a solution, not to win, be right, or make your partner wrong.
· Don't try to mind read. Ask instead what he or she is thinking.
· Don't bring up all the prior problems that relate to this one. Leave the past in the past; keep this about one recent problem. Solve one thing at a time.
· Keep the process simple. State the problem, suggest some alternatives, and choose a solution together.
· Don't talk too much at once. Keep your statements to two or three sentences. Your partner will not be able to grasp more than that.
· Give your partner a chance to respond and to suggest options.
· Practice equality. If something is important enough to one of you, it will inevitably be important to both of you, so honor your partner's need to solve a problem.
· Ask and Answer questions directly. Again, keep it as simple as possible. Let your partner know you hear him or her.
· State your problem as a request, not a demand. To make it a positive request, use "I messages" and "please".
· Don't use power struggle tactics: guilt and obligation, threats and emotional blackmail, courtroom logic: peacekeeping, sacrificing, or hammering away are off limits.
· Know your facts: If you're going to fight for something, know the facts about the problem: Do research, find out what options are available, and know how you feel and what would solve the problem for you.
· Ask for changes in behavior, don't criticize character, ethics or morals.
· Don't fight over who's right or wrong. Opinions are opinions, and that won't solve the problem. Instead, focus on what will work.
· Ask your partner if he or she has anything to add to the discussion. "Is there anything else we need to discuss now?"
· Don't guess what your partner is thinking or feeling. Instead, ask. "What do you think?" Or "How do you feel about it?
· Hold hands, look at each other, and remember you're partners.
· If you're angry, express it calmly. "I'm angry about ..." There's no need for drama, and it won't get you what you want. Anger is satisfied by being acknowledged, and by creating change. Anger is a normal emotion -- rage is phony, it's drama created by not taking care of yourself.
· Acknowledged and honor your partner's feelings -- don't deflect them, laugh at them or freak out. They're only feelings, and they subside when respected, heard and honored.
· Listen with your whole self. Paraphrase what your partner says; check to see if you understand by repeating what is said. "So you are angry because you think I ignored you. Is that right?"
· No personal attacks or criticism. Focus on solving the problem.
· If you want to let off steam (vent), ask permission or take a time out. Handle your excess emotion or energy by being active (run, walk, hit a pillow,) writing, or talking to someone who is not part of the problem. Don't direct it personally at anyone. You can't vent and solve problems at the same time.
· Don't try to solve a problem if you're impaired: tired, hungry, drunk or unstable.
· Surrender to your responsibility. When you become aware that you have made a mistake, admit it, and apologize. Use it as an opportunity to learn and grow.
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