Are you ready for a relationship that is going to lead somewhere without you being led on? It's time to start weeding out the commitment phobics and put your time and effort into men that are looking for the kind of relationship you want -- one that has a future. If you're interested in getting married, ignore these at your own risk. Here's what to look for:
1. His friends are married
If you are interested in a guy, check out his friends' left hands to see if they have wedding rings on. Research has show that if his friends are already married, he's more likely to get married.
Research has show that if his friends are already married, he's more likely to get married. If all of his friends are still single and in the "party-with-the-boys" phase, that's a bad sign.
2. He's financially secure
Studies show that men who own a home are more marriage-ready. A man who is generally financially stable, and has his ducks in a row, feels marriage is a practical next step for him.
3. He pursues you
The guy who is commitment-ready is going to initiate doing things with you. If you're emailing him and he takes days to email you back, if you have to text him to find out where he is, if you are always calling him, you're chasing a man who's probably not marriage-material.
4. He's willing to wait
Yes, research is telling us what we already know: If a guy gets to know you before getting intimate, he is more likely to commit.
5. He watches DVDs with you when you're sick
Taking care of you when you're sick shows that this guy isn't just in it for the fun. If he wants to be with you in bad times, it's a sign he's in it for the long haul.
6. He gets to know your friends and family
A guy who is thinking long-term wants to truly get to know you. Seeing you interact with your family and friends helps him learn where you come from and more about who you are. The flip side of it is that he will also want you to get to know him! He'll want to see if you fit in with his family and friends. A guy who keeps you separate from the important people in his life is just playing around.
7. He says, "we" instead of "me"
When he switches from "me" to "we", that's a sign he's committing to you at a deeper level. If your guy is all, "I", "me", and "my" instead of "we" and "us" in conversations after you've been dating a while, his mindset is still in single guy mode.
8. He's not afraid of compromise
A commitment-ready guy is going to ask your opinion, consult you about decisions he needs to make, and has the ability to meet you half-way. A commitment-ready guy is going to ask your opinion, consult you about decisions he needs to make, and has the ability to meet you half-way. A bull-headed guy who needs everything his way or it's the highway, isn't ready for the compromise that's naturally part of a mature relationship.
9. He doesn't need excuses
Commitment-phobic guys always have an excuse about why they can't be with you on Saturday night, why they didn't call, and why they aren't ready for a relationship right now. A commitment-ready guy doesn't need excuses, he just needs you.
10. He likes being in a long-term relationship
Some men like being in a monogamous relationship and some don't. The sooner you realize and accept this the better. If he complains all the time about needing space, treats you like a giant burden instead of a gift, and keeps talking about taking things slow, he's telling you he's not ready for a commitment. On the other hand, if he's done with the party scene, enjoys your "couple time" together, and has a strong sense of family, you've found a commitment-ready guy.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Thursday, July 3, 2008
The Wrong Kind of Role Playing
Have you ever played the victim?
In relationships, couples tend to take on certain roles. One of the most popular roles is that of a victim. Typical victim behavior includes pouting, sulking, running away from arguments, refusing to make decisions or take responsibility for situations, and adding more to one's to-do list in order to feel like a martyr.
What happens in relationships in which there is a victim? It creates a need for the other partner to respond to this behavior in one of two ways. He can either be the villain (the person who is causing the victim to cry, sulk, etc.) or he can be the hero (the person who is trying to comfort the often inconsolable victim). Neither situation is preferable, because when you get to the bottom of it, it is all roleplay. (And not the good kind!)
When you act insincerely in your relationship, such as by crying and refusing to reveal why, acting weaker than truly are, or causing a scene just for the attention and drama it creates, you are cheating you and your partner out of an authentic, lasting connection.
Like the boy who cried wolf, a partner who always cries victim soon becomes an untrustworthy source and her needs fall on deaf ears. Meanwhile, her partner is stuck internalizing all of the negative feedback, sometimes to the point that he actually does act out the villainous behavior of which he has been accused.
What's the lesson here? The next time your partner lets you down or makes you angry, don't embrace it as an opportunity to take the stage and play the victim. Instead, give your feedback maturely and authentically. If you want to cry and yell, go ahead. But just make sure it is coming from your real emotions, and not from a need for melodrama.
In relationships, couples tend to take on certain roles. One of the most popular roles is that of a victim. Typical victim behavior includes pouting, sulking, running away from arguments, refusing to make decisions or take responsibility for situations, and adding more to one's to-do list in order to feel like a martyr.
What happens in relationships in which there is a victim? It creates a need for the other partner to respond to this behavior in one of two ways. He can either be the villain (the person who is causing the victim to cry, sulk, etc.) or he can be the hero (the person who is trying to comfort the often inconsolable victim). Neither situation is preferable, because when you get to the bottom of it, it is all roleplay. (And not the good kind!)
When you act insincerely in your relationship, such as by crying and refusing to reveal why, acting weaker than truly are, or causing a scene just for the attention and drama it creates, you are cheating you and your partner out of an authentic, lasting connection.
Like the boy who cried wolf, a partner who always cries victim soon becomes an untrustworthy source and her needs fall on deaf ears. Meanwhile, her partner is stuck internalizing all of the negative feedback, sometimes to the point that he actually does act out the villainous behavior of which he has been accused.
What's the lesson here? The next time your partner lets you down or makes you angry, don't embrace it as an opportunity to take the stage and play the victim. Instead, give your feedback maturely and authentically. If you want to cry and yell, go ahead. But just make sure it is coming from your real emotions, and not from a need for melodrama.
Why He Won't Propose
Wedding season is upon us, and as you watch excited friends and family members scurry down the aisle, you might be wondering: When will it be my turn to tie the knot?
It is not unusual to get antsy about ascending to the next stage in your relationship, especially when you see friends of the same age (or younger!) already in the land of happily ever after. Of course, not everyone needs a ring to create a lifetime commitment with their partner, but for those who do want to get married, waiting for the proposal can be agonizing.
So, why in the world isn't he proposing?
Men Don't Hear the Clock Ticking. While men are fertile well into elderly years (Hello, Hef!), the biological clock keeps a different timetable for women. Even though medical advancements can now allow women to have babies well into their forties, the chances of conceiving and carrying a healthy baby to term decrease rapidly with age. Men often do not realize the extent of this fertility timetable, and even if they do, they might not feel the same pressure to settle down. The good news as to why he hasn't proposed yet? It's not you -- it's Mother Nature.
Men Dread the Big Day. Not all women dream of the big day and the white gown, but many do. As a result, some women crave marriage more than men, simply because they can't wait to be princess for a day! However, the groom-to-be usually feels something akin to dread -- not because he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with his blushing bride, but because he doesn't want to spend hours deciding table arrangements or corralling his family into a reception hall. The upshot? Be sure your man knows your future wedding isn't going to be a three-ring circus, and get him thinking about possible honeymoon spots. The thought of you in a bikini in Aruba might get him down on one knee.
Men Want to Be Prepared. Yes, romantic comedies make spontaneous proposals look tempting, but the truth is that marriages fare better in situations where the finances and big life decisions are already planned out. If you and your significant other haven't seriously discussed marriage, let alone where you will live, if you will have kids, etc., chances are that he hasn't proposed because your relationship isn't prepared for that next step. The cure? Figure out if your life plans are on the same track by casually mentioning your own future goals, whether it is to own a business, buy a house, or have a baby.
Men Fear the Proposal Moment. Have you ever thought about how scary it must be to plan what is supposed to be the most romantic moment of you and your partner's life? From JumboTron proposals to hiding engagement rings inside of Crab Rangoon, previous grooms have created a lot for your partner to live up to. Assuage his fears by letting him know that skywriting is nice, but sweet, simple gestures are best.
Finally, if you know that you are ready for the next step in your relationship, but you still haven't seen any bling, you might want to consider summoning up your bravery and popping the question yourself!
It is not unusual to get antsy about ascending to the next stage in your relationship, especially when you see friends of the same age (or younger!) already in the land of happily ever after. Of course, not everyone needs a ring to create a lifetime commitment with their partner, but for those who do want to get married, waiting for the proposal can be agonizing.
So, why in the world isn't he proposing?
Men Don't Hear the Clock Ticking. While men are fertile well into elderly years (Hello, Hef!), the biological clock keeps a different timetable for women. Even though medical advancements can now allow women to have babies well into their forties, the chances of conceiving and carrying a healthy baby to term decrease rapidly with age. Men often do not realize the extent of this fertility timetable, and even if they do, they might not feel the same pressure to settle down. The good news as to why he hasn't proposed yet? It's not you -- it's Mother Nature.
Men Dread the Big Day. Not all women dream of the big day and the white gown, but many do. As a result, some women crave marriage more than men, simply because they can't wait to be princess for a day! However, the groom-to-be usually feels something akin to dread -- not because he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with his blushing bride, but because he doesn't want to spend hours deciding table arrangements or corralling his family into a reception hall. The upshot? Be sure your man knows your future wedding isn't going to be a three-ring circus, and get him thinking about possible honeymoon spots. The thought of you in a bikini in Aruba might get him down on one knee.
Men Want to Be Prepared. Yes, romantic comedies make spontaneous proposals look tempting, but the truth is that marriages fare better in situations where the finances and big life decisions are already planned out. If you and your significant other haven't seriously discussed marriage, let alone where you will live, if you will have kids, etc., chances are that he hasn't proposed because your relationship isn't prepared for that next step. The cure? Figure out if your life plans are on the same track by casually mentioning your own future goals, whether it is to own a business, buy a house, or have a baby.
Men Fear the Proposal Moment. Have you ever thought about how scary it must be to plan what is supposed to be the most romantic moment of you and your partner's life? From JumboTron proposals to hiding engagement rings inside of Crab Rangoon, previous grooms have created a lot for your partner to live up to. Assuage his fears by letting him know that skywriting is nice, but sweet, simple gestures are best.
Finally, if you know that you are ready for the next step in your relationship, but you still haven't seen any bling, you might want to consider summoning up your bravery and popping the question yourself!
3 Red Flags That You're Headed for a Breakup
Fortunately, you can predict a break up. And with just a little bit of tweaking, you can get back on track and rescue your relationship before it hits the rocks.
Red Flag #1: Tuning OutOne of the most common reasons relationships fail is because one or both partners is tuning out. It might sound minor, but in actuality, few things are more hurtful than being ignored by your loved one, whether that is accompanied by emotional neglect or physical distance.
The Cure: Take Down the Wall Tuning back in is easy. All you have to do is agree to listen to your partner's feedback and dedicate time and emotion to the relationship again. Start taking down the emotional wall, brick by brick. Look at your partner in the eye when he or she speaks (even if it is not what you want to hear), make physical contact daily (even if it is just holding hands), and re-commit to the relationship.
Red Flag #2: Fighting Fire with FireCouples who fight fire with fire can expect a relationship that is constantly up in flames. Name-calling, sarcasm, criticism, and violence (from throwing things, slamming doors, to actual physical abuse) result in emotional wounds that are hard to heal and relationships that are hard to rescue.
The Cure: Pour Water on the FlamesThe next time you feel anger guiding you to say, or do, things you might regret, take time to cool off. If that's not possible, try framing your complaints as requests. For instance instead of, "Why did you forget our date?," you could say, "I feel sad that you forgot our date. How can we make sure this doesn't happen again?" If your partner is the one who is fanning the flames, don't engage in the vicious cycle of insults and tantrums. You can't fight fire with fire if the other person won't engage in the flame-throwing.
Red Flag #3: Refusing to Own UpNo one is perfect, so why is it that some of us refuse to take responsibility in our most important relationships? Passing the buck and playing the victim are surefire ways to put a relationship in jeopardy.
The Cure: Take Responsibility for Your ActionsThe next time you forget an anniversary, or say something hurtful to your spouse, don't try to pass the buck and refuse to take responsibility. Instead, admit where you went wrong and try harder next time. Sounds simple... but it can save your relationship.
By making simple changes to the way you and your partner communicate, you can keep your relationship intact. All couples fight and argue, but it is how you fight and argue that determines whether your love can weather the storm.
Red Flag #1: Tuning OutOne of the most common reasons relationships fail is because one or both partners is tuning out. It might sound minor, but in actuality, few things are more hurtful than being ignored by your loved one, whether that is accompanied by emotional neglect or physical distance.
The Cure: Take Down the Wall Tuning back in is easy. All you have to do is agree to listen to your partner's feedback and dedicate time and emotion to the relationship again. Start taking down the emotional wall, brick by brick. Look at your partner in the eye when he or she speaks (even if it is not what you want to hear), make physical contact daily (even if it is just holding hands), and re-commit to the relationship.
Red Flag #2: Fighting Fire with FireCouples who fight fire with fire can expect a relationship that is constantly up in flames. Name-calling, sarcasm, criticism, and violence (from throwing things, slamming doors, to actual physical abuse) result in emotional wounds that are hard to heal and relationships that are hard to rescue.
The Cure: Pour Water on the FlamesThe next time you feel anger guiding you to say, or do, things you might regret, take time to cool off. If that's not possible, try framing your complaints as requests. For instance instead of, "Why did you forget our date?," you could say, "I feel sad that you forgot our date. How can we make sure this doesn't happen again?" If your partner is the one who is fanning the flames, don't engage in the vicious cycle of insults and tantrums. You can't fight fire with fire if the other person won't engage in the flame-throwing.
Red Flag #3: Refusing to Own UpNo one is perfect, so why is it that some of us refuse to take responsibility in our most important relationships? Passing the buck and playing the victim are surefire ways to put a relationship in jeopardy.
The Cure: Take Responsibility for Your ActionsThe next time you forget an anniversary, or say something hurtful to your spouse, don't try to pass the buck and refuse to take responsibility. Instead, admit where you went wrong and try harder next time. Sounds simple... but it can save your relationship.
By making simple changes to the way you and your partner communicate, you can keep your relationship intact. All couples fight and argue, but it is how you fight and argue that determines whether your love can weather the storm.
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