Dealing with Hurtful Relationships

Posted on November 12, 2012 by Michael Carino

On this planet, you are going to face some pain. Some of your pain will be physical, but there is another category of pain that you need to be prepared for as well. This is the pain of relationships.

People are going to hurt you. It might be with sarcasm, it might be through silent treatment, it might be through slander, but along the way, someone is going to hurl darts at you. And you will have to decide how you are going to respond.

Jesus told us in the sermon on the mount that we are not to follow our instincts when people hurt us. We should take a radical approach to conflict resolution. He says, “Love your enemies! Do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you (Luke 6:27).”

How do you love someone who is nasty to you?  I want you to see how David accomplished this difficult task.

David is now a national figure in Israel. When he killed Goliath, every person in the land put him on a pedestal. The women were singing songs about him, and King Saul was insanely jealous. This envy ate Saul up to the point that he wanted David’s head on a platter. He was determined to wound David, even kill him.

Well, it’s about time that David ran. I don’t know about you, but if a man tried to put a spear through me, I wouldn’t show up again to play the harp. When it happened again, David knew that he was on the hit list. I don’t think there was any question in David’s mind. Saul was out to hurt him. He was going to continue to hurl his spears for no earthly reason. And there is a lesson to be learned even here. If you are walking in God’s will, you are going to face some enemies. A person is going to come along and hurl spears at you. They probably won’t be wooden spears, they will be verbal spears. You can count on it.

And you will have to make a decision whether it’s going to bring out the best in you, or the worst in you. And this is the one of the most difficult situations to handle—when you are being attacked.

Franklin P. Jones once said, Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger. –Franklin P. Jones

What is he saying? He is saying that it doesn’t matter who is hurling the spears at you. It hurts. It puts you on the defensive. You feel like you are being attacked. In 1 Samuel 24, there is no question about it. David is being viciously and unfairly attacked by King Saul and it is hard from him to take. But watch how he responds.

Proverbs 16:32 says:
Better a patient man than a warrior,
a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city. Prov. 16:32

One has to marvel at David’s ability to control himself in this story. He is a patient man, not a warrior. He shows tremendous poise under pressure and gives us a great model for dealing with malicious people. Let me suggest 4 principles that we can glean here:

How to Handle Hurtful People:

1.Be careful in taking advice from others.

Notice what happens in v.3. David and his men happened to be hiding out in a cave and who comes walking in… it was Saul, the archenemy. He walks right in, slips of his robe, and like a boy in the woods, he begins to use the CR (in the cave where David and his men were hiding). Some of you have been camping—you know how vulnerable this is. He is totally defenseless, and he is easy prey for David.

Saul is a sitting duck. Verse 4, the men said…

This is your moment David. Overcome evil with pain. Hurt him. Hit him while he’s down!

Now, let me warn you. Often, when you hear those voices: this is not the voice of God.

When someone lashes out at you, hurts you, treats you unfairly, you are going to run to your friends for support. I can already predict what your closest friends are going to do. They are going to get mad. They are going to feel defensive for you because they love you.

David’s men loved him but they were not thinking correctly. They were encouraging him to do something that violated his conscience. They were not giving him good advice. Be very careful when you choose your advisers—they are rarely objective.

Thankfully, David does not follow the advice of his beloved soldiers. Instead, he creeps quietly as a cat to the place where Saul’s garment lies. Some people think it was wrapped around his ankles, lying on the floor, which seems logical for someone using the restroom, but that seems to be far-fetched. Most likely, Saul laid down his outer garment in another place and David cuts a piece off the end. But even in this, v.5 says, “David was conscience-stricken.” In other words, he felt convicted about it. He felt like this was wrong. Saul was God’s anointed leader and it was not his place to take him down. And as the story unfolds, you see that David was following the guidance of the Holy Spirit. He did not follow the advice of his soldiers.

2. Be overly gracious in your speech.

Look at vv.8-11 here. Be amazed at David’s graciousness…
Here is the man that is determined to kill him, and David bows down on the ground and says, “My lord the king.” He exalts Saul and puts him on a higher level than himself. In v.14, David refers to himself as “dead dog,” a “flea.” What is David doing? He is humbling himself and graciously exalting his opponent.

You think taking down Goliath was a challenge; this was a far greater test for David. It is clear evidence that the Holy Spirit was on this boy because carnal people do not know how to respond with this kind of grace.

When a co-worker walks into your office and belittles your work, that is tough. From time to time, you will have supervisor that has no respect for you. He will act as if his work is paramount and your work is garbage. Everything he does is important and should be recognized. Your little tasks are expendable. If you ever have a boss like that, your natural reaction when he walks out of the room will be to turn to your neighbor and say, “Who does he think he is? What a loser. If I was in his job, I would be far better at it than him. The only reason he has that position is because his grandpa owns the company. That man is a total waste.”

And you have to wonder why David didn’t speak this way when he came out of that cave. Why didn’t David say what was on his mind? “Saul, you reckless fool. You are the sorriest excuse for a king that this world has ever seen. Because you are so ignorant and impulsive, Samuel has anointed me to replace you. That’s right. I’m going to take your job. And I’m not only going to take your job, the Lord is going to establish my throne forever. Some of the prophets even think the Messiah is going to come from my blood. What do you think about that? Your days are numbered, and you are lucky that I didn’t just kill you in the cave.”

That would have felt good rolling off David’s tongue. His flesh would have applauded. But instead, when David was being attacked, he lowered himself and said, “My lord the King. I am a dead dog, I’m a flea. You are the Lord’s anointed. I am nothing.”

It’s funny, when the God fills your heart, some of the craziest things will begin to spill from your mouth. Little phrases like this, “I am sorry. You were right. I am a fool. Can we forget this happened?”

Immature, selfish people cannot say things like that, but Spirit filled people can.

3. Be committed to treat people well when they treat you badly.

Now I want you to see the dialogue between Saul and David when Saul realized that he should be lying dead in a cave. Look at v.16-19.

The end of v.17 says, “You treated me well, but I treated you badly.”

David would not seek revenge against his enemies. Someone in our day might say that, “David killed Saul with kindness.” And I don’t care for that expression because it sounds somewhat spiteful. I am going to be nice to you so that I can heap burning coals on your head. I don’t like that language but apparently God does.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. (Romans 12:17-21)

A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult (Proverbs 12:16).

4. Be aware that these tests will reveal your character.

Look at the conclusion that Saul comes to in v.20 after David has treated him so well. V. 20, “I realize that you are surely going to be king…”

Criticism will reveal who you really are. And when Saul had attacked David fiercely, David responded with grace. And Saul said, “Surely, you are the king. You are God’s man.”

Are there people in your life who have hurt you? Are you having a hard time forgiving them, loving them, or being gracious to them?

Let us follow the example of David when dealing with hurtful people.

http://www.michaelcarino.com/dealing-with-people-who-hurt-you/