stop

awhile ago.. I was reading my post last 2008, I am laughing ... so funny of my english grammar.. but all I posted are so meaningful with good insight.. and the messages are so perfect for me right now.. that's the work of GOD.. to remind my self with my self post with my self insight that are from HIM.. right now I can say I am lost.. GOD knows.. how can I walk so smooth alone and stumble every time I fall in love.. how wish I have read those post of mine over and over again last 2010.. why didn't I?

really, I want to move on, im okey, but I am not fine..

I just cling to this truth, that someday I know I will be happy too..

I know I am blessed with a pretty face.. slim curvacious body.. I have lots of guys who comes to me shhowing interest.. but these won't make me happy..
what will make me happy is to have my own family.. one thing been praying for GOD .. yet I always fail to have.. why? can anyone answer me?

now I often write blog.. because I don't want to talk to anyone at all.. I feel stupid asking mom, shobe, clods and joanna with my situation.. for I know what I am going through.. I don't need to hear their advices.. I know how to advice myself.. because I am asking wisdom from GOD..

this time, I do pray, but my prayer quality is not solid.. my Father ain't happy about it.. but I talk to HIM often, with many questions.. I guess I don't listen to HIS answers.. because I kept asking why??

right now Im still...

how I wish I could tell him what he did wrong.. that made an effect that cause me also to do wrong agaisnt him, that causes things to be so wrong..

don't ever say you are ready.. if you are not..

always be on time.. one major life rule.. if you are late.. you are out.. you lost.

did I lose him? or did I won anything?
losing him, only GOD knows.. learnings is what i've won.. got lots of learnings.. how I wish I could turn back time and change it.. but that's life.. many things are not meant to be change.. but take action, grow and be responsible for everything..

I don't like him, but I love him.. GOD what have you done?? what have you taught me? yeah now I don't suffer, I don't feel pain.. I am just full of question marks ??? why? why? why? but whatever happens GOD.. I trust YOU.. I trust YOU..
that I will be okey.. for YOU have plans for me.. not to harm me.. but to prosper me and give me hope..

GOD, did he prayed about me before? did he asked me from YOU?
why....
now, I know he don't anymore.. because GOD, YOU have remove the burden from me..
why did YOU chose to listen to him? and chose to use me?

this afternoon I asked mom.. "ma, why i felt GOD's leading? why I saw HIM work, but why did these things happened?" my mom can't answer me, she tried to change the topic.. but I insist for an answer.. she just told me.. "I also don't know.. maybe he is not the one for you, or maybe GOD will make a way someday, for the 2 of you to be together.."
i again ask.. "ma, when will I meet the one for me? is there really someone for me? will I be happy? kase I have loved many times, why others they had it in their youth years.. my friends are all soon to wed.. I'll be alone soon.. but I am use to it.. doing things alone.. "
mom told me.. "maybe because you are in a hurry.. don't rush it.. it will come.."
"but when?"

.. all I dreamt of is to walk with the one will by GOD for me in this lifetime.. to be beside him and to share my life with him...

now i want to cry...

Oh GOD.. why...? I am happy alone.. but why did YOU waken my heart.. then now be put in this situation..

GOD.. I admit I am sinning.. I am sinning agaisnt YOU.. for I fail to glorify and think about you.. how I want to grow again in faith.. in love of YOU..

I know GOD that you are jealous.. sorry...

will he know his mistakes?
i trust YOU, GOD, that YOU are in control..

GOD pleaase forgive me.. help me...I need YOU more and more in my life..
please don't let me fall like this again..

GOD .. I love YOU.. YOU are my life..

wait.. why stop is the title of my post.. because I want to stop thinking of him.. I want to stop loving him.. I want to stop talking about him here sa blog.. because if I don't stop.. I won't be able to move on.. I want to share my responsibilities with my family.. my career.. my spiritual life.. not about him anymore...

then now i remember.. our senior pastor is unfair.. I am not ready to talk that day.. but they insist.. I lose my rights.. life is really indeed unfair.. specially for me... because I am living life..
GOD please be just.. ^^,

GOD I know YOU are with me.. please be always with me GOD..

what if I change.. I don't want to get married anymore.. I want to be alone forever.. I hate all the guys.. they are all the same.. can I have a baby without a father without doing immoral thing.. how i wish I can.. wish wish wish...sad life.. grr... im so sleepy.. I don't know what I am saying.. hahaha Good night.. to my readers.. please pray for me..thanks

~ if he loves me.. he will stay..