Dealing with Difficult People

Posted on November 12, 2012 by Michael Carino

A man is almost about to die. As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, “I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I’ve slept with dozens of them.”

His wife looked at him calmly and said, “Why do you think I gave you the poison?”

Have you ever felt that you are surrounded with the wrong people? Is your spouse doing some things that causes you pain and you wonder why in the world am I stuck with this person? Is there a difficult person in your life — perhaps a friend, a relative, an officemate, a classmate, a church-mate — that is so annoying, hurtful, egotistic, arrogant, self-serving… and you do not know how to handle this person?

Dealing with difficult people requires proper wisdom, right words, and divine work.

David and his 600 guerrilla fighters are camped and hiding from Saul. But they’re not idle. They’re a kind of unofficial police force for the area. They protected shepherds from the attack of marauding tribes who would suddenly overrun an area, steal livestock and assault small villages.

Now there was a man in Maon whose business was in Carmel; and the man was very rich, and he had three thousand sheep and a thousand goats… (v.2)

Now, a big beneficiary of their presence was a guy named “Nabal”. He was very rich, and as a result… very influential.  He owned 3,000 sheep and 1,000 goats. Pretty good, when you consider that the average rancher owned only about 100 sheep.

…the man’s name was Nabal… (v.3)  The name “Nabal” literary in the Hebrew means, “fool”.  We don’t really know for sure how Nabal got his name. But what we do know from the story, is that He certainly lived up to his name!

…the man’s name was Nabal, and his wife’s name was Abigail. And the woman was intelligent and beautiful in appearance, but the man was harsh and evilin his dealings… (v.3)

Vs. 3 gives us some insight into his personality. It tells us he was “harsh and evil in his dealings…” a “Portrait of a FOOL.”

• Someone who expects their mate to put up with their obnoxious behavior and treatment of them.  (it’s either my way or get out of my way)
• Someone who’s always trying to get something for nothing…and uses other people to get it.
• Someone who is stubborn. A person who doesn’t admit that he/she has a problem, and is unwilling to change.

Nabal’s wife is exactly the opposite of him. The bible contrasts her with him, in that same verse, it says here that she was both “intelligent and beautiful”.

She had good understanding and a beautiful form. She was lovely not only on the outside… but on the inside as well.  So here’s Abigail a gracious & lovely lady, and for whatever reason… she’s married to a conceited, arrogant, irresponsible, fool!

As we come to vs. 4, we find out that it’s “shearing time” at Nabal’s ranch. During spring, all the shepherds would bring their sheep in to be sheered of their thick winter coats before the hot summer months hit.

When shearing their sheep… It was the custom to throw a big feast in celebration. Nabal would have had an especially big bash for the shepherds… plus neighbors, family and relatives.

It was also the custom of that day, to set aside a portion of the profit, and give it to those who had protected the shepherds during the past year. It was kind of like tipping the waiter. There wasn’t any law that you had to… but… it wasn’t a bad idea!

You can imagine the efficient, capable Abigail supervising the entire feast. And it was a great one! It went on for days… and word eventually made it to the mountains where David and his men were staying, that “Nabal had a good year and he’s throwing a party!”

Now to David and his men, that meant only 1 thing… PAYDAY! They’d been faithfully protecting and watching out for his flocks, so it stands to reason that they should share in some of the fruit.  Nabal’s own employees testify to how good they were treated by David’s men.

So, David sends 10 men to politely ask for a share of the food…

But listen to Nabal’s response in vs. 10-11.

But Nabal answered David’s servants and said, “Who is David? And who is the son of Jesse? There are many servants today who are each breaking away from his master. “Shall I then take my bread and my water and my meat that I have slaughtered for my shearers, and give it to men whose origin I do not know?“ (v.8-11)

He says, “Who’s David?” Can you imagine that? What arrogance! What a fool! I mean, he just insulted a band of 600 armed & hungry men! He just insulted his future king! Not a smart thing to do!

Everybody there knew exactly who David was, but Nabal was too busy playing the “BIG MAN” in front of his guests to care.

Well, when the messengers returned back to David and reported what Nabal had said… David was fuming mad! Through clenched teeth, he orders his men to put on their swords.

So David’s young men… went back; and they came and told him… all these words.

David said to his men, “Each of you gird on his sword.” So each man girded on his sword. And David also girded on his sword, and about four hundred men went up behind David while two hundred stayed with the baggage. (v.12-13)

Insulting a band of armed and hungry men is not a very smart thing to do.

Meanwhile,  a servant tells Abigail what her foolish husband just did.

But one of the young men told Abigail…

“David sent messengers from the wilderness to greet our master, and he scorned them. Yet the men were very good to us, and we were not insulted, nor did we miss anything as long as we went about with them, while we were in the fields. They were a wall to us both by night and by day, all the time we were with them tending the sheep…” (v.14-17)

Abigail knows exactly what to do!

She understands the consequences of her husband’s foolish words, and she also understands men and threats, and how they feel compelled to respond to insults.

She’d probably never met this David, but she’d heard of him. I mean, who hadn’t? She knew he was rash and hot tempered, (just as rash and hot tempered as her husband)… but not as stupid.

And I want you to notice how she responds, because I think it gives a lot of insight into what to do when you’re dealing with a jerk.

So, what’s the lesson of Abigail?

1. Don’t ARGUE … let life discipline.

Abigail didn’t waste any time telling “THE FOOL.”  In fact, she didn’t get into a fight with him at all.

Prov. 23:9  puts it this way, “ Don’t bother talking sense to fools; they’ll only poke fun at your words. ” (The Message) In other words, “Don’t argue with a jerk, while their being a jerk.”

When a person is in a state of rebellion and arrogance… you can talk to them until you’re blue in the face… but they won’t listen.

Abigail stayed out of arguments with her fool husband. Instead, she stood back and allowed the consequences of Nabal’s actions be his best teacher.

If you’re an Abigail… realize that life itself has a way of softening the hardest heart. And what you need to do is to just stand back and allow your “difficult person” (whoever it is) to come to the end of themselves, before they’ll listen to you.

2. Don’t WHINE … Take Action

Abigail refused to play the part of the victim. She refused to be victimized by her husband’s stupidity.

She didn’t just sit at home and let everything collapse while whining… “Poor me! Our life is falling apart! We’re going to be destroyed… but what can I do? I’m supposed to be his obedient, submissive wife!”

No! She did something about it! She got busy baking bread, packing fig bars, jamming raisins into sacks!

Then Abigail hurried and took two hundred loaves of bread and two jugs of wine and five sheep already prepared and five measures of roasted grain and a hundred clusters of raisins and two hundred cakes of figs, and loaded them on donkeys. (v.18)

Then she mounts up, and rides out to save the “Fool” from himself. On the road, she meets David, who is bent on burning their home to the ground. She promptly dismounts and bows before this young warrior.

When Abigail saw David, she hurried and dismounted from her donkey, and fell on her face before David and bowed herself to the ground. She fell at his feet and said, “On me alone, my lord, be the blame. And please let your maidservant speak to you, and listen to the words of your maidservant. Please do not let my lord pay attention to this worthless man, Nabal, for as his name is, so is he. Nabal is his name and folly is with him…” (v.23-25)

“Now therefore, my lord, as the Lord lives, and as your soul lives, since the Lord has restrained you from shedding blood, and from avenging yourself by your own hand, now then let your enemies and those who seek evil against my lord, be as Nabal. Now let this gift which your maidservant has brought to my lord be given to the young men who accompany my lord. Please forgive the transgression of your maidservant…” (v.26-28)

Interceding for her husband, she presents her gifts, predicts David’s ultimate ascension to the throne, talks him out of his vengeance…and then remounts her donkey and rides away!

I can imagine that David is sitting there stunned, as he watches her disappear, and he’s thinking… “WOW! Now that’s a woman! Not only did she succeed in saving her husband’s worthless neck, but… she saved me from a “knee jerk reaction” as well! Now that’s the kind of woman I need… someone who can save me from my own worst self.”

The difference between Nabal and David was that David was willing to listen to Abigail. He had a teachable spirit. That’s one of the reasons the bible calls him, “A man after God’s own heart”. He was willing to change.

Put yourself in Abigail’s sandals for a moment. Here was her chance to get rid of this miserable husband. She could have thought, “Finally! Nabal has treated me like dirt… now it’s time he got a taste of his own poison!”

But instead of responding in revenge and letting David finish him off, she acts sacrificially in his favor!

If you’re dealing with a difficult person today, quit complaining about it, and pack up the donkeys with food! Be an Abigail!  Abigail didn’t allow herself to be victimized, or simply complain about her situation… she took action.

3. Don’t MANIPULATE … Let God work.

Refuse to manipulate the difficult person. Instead, give him over to God and let Him deal with their stubbornness.

Then Abigail came to Nabal, and behold, he was holding a feast in his house, like the feast of a king. And Nabal’s heart was merry within him, for he was very drunk; so she did not tell him anything at all until the morning light.

But in the morning, when the wine had gone out of Nabal, his wife told him these things, and his heart died within him so that he became as a stone. About ten days later, the Lord struck Nabal and he died. (v.36-38)

Abigail returns home. Nabal didn’t even know she’d been gone. He’s too busy throwing another party and getting drunk.

So the next morning… after he sobers up, she tells him about the whole incident. How David and 400 of his men were coming full tilt down the hill to kill him, and how she saved his life.

Now Nabal gets really sober! His eyes filled with terror, he lays down, stares at the ceiling frozen with fear for 10 days, and then dies of a stroke!

Word travels fast about Nabal’s death. David hears about it, and remembers Abigail. Intelligent… beautiful… experienced in advising willful, stubborn men… hmmmmm.

So he sends his servants to propose marriage to Abigail, and she humbly accepts. She became the best wife he could have imagined. She helped him acquire new traits… gentleness, submission, patience, the ability to think before you act. All things that he lacked.

Isn’t it amazing how when you do what’s right, without giving up, how God takes the impossible things of life and turns them around for your advantage?

Now, in Abigail’s situation… the difficult person in her life died.

And, I sincerely hope that your situation hasn’t become so desperate that you wish that would happen to yours. Although, I know of some cases where it would be a relief!  Sometimes you just wish that the difficult persons in your life would just go away.

Thankfully, today we live by grace… What that means is that… people can change!

If you happen to be connected to a fool or difficult person — whether it is your spouse, your boss, your child, your friend, your workmate, your church-mate, your relative, or your neighbor — there’s hope today.

Christ’s death on the cross is not only designed to get us to heaven, but it’s designed to get heaven into us!  God has provided grace to remake us and remold us. He has the ability to transform us into new creations.

God is in the business of reforming jerks, and transforming foolish, hurtful, difficult people.

So give God time. Whether you can see it or not… if you’re praying for them… you can be assured that… God is working on them!

Who’s the difficult person in your life that needs transforming? Husband? Wife? Boss? Fellow employee? Relative? Son? Daughter?… Maybe even YOU!


http://www.michaelcarino.com/dealing-with-difficult-people/